Here we go again!

I'M PREGNANT! Less than 2 months since the loss of our beautiful baby, we have been blessed with another. It's equally as exciting as it is terrifying. The thought of losing again is something that keeps creeping into my thoughts but I'm trying my best to think positive and stay optimistic. As expected, James and I are beyond thrilled to be expecting again and are doing everything we can to ensure this is a happy, healthy pregnancy.

We Lost Our Little One

There are no words to describe the pain and sadness we are feeling after discovering our beautiful baby had no heartbeat at the 12 week ultrasound. So many emotions rushed through me when I was looking at the monitor, seeing our precious little one lying there motionless, silent and without life. My heart broke into a million pieces and still aches at the thought of something so painful and unexpected. I had no idea anything was wrong, as my body was still showing pregnancy symptoms and bub looked perfectly healthy and active at the last ultrasound. But, as I’ve been told many times lately, such is life and these things happen. I just didn’t ever want them to happen to us. And I really felt this baby was a gift from God to, in a way, reward me for all the hardships I’ve had to endure in my life already. I thought, wow what a miracle that I fell pregnant straight away with hardly having to try. How lucky was I? I know many women struggle to fall and there are some who never do, so I do feel blessed to have had this happen, but understandably upset that it all feels as if it was for nothing. Those 3 months of morning, noon and night sickness, all day nausea, cramping, sleepless nights, tender breasts, headaches and mood swings – all that for nothing? Well no, not entirely. Although I’ve lost my beautiful baby, I believe that I’ve gained a guardian angel and will one day meet this special little person who for a brief time brought me so much joy and filled my heart so fully with love that I felt it would overflow. I’m devastated that I’ll never get to hold my little one in my arms, but knowing I’m someone’s mummy and getting to experience being pregnant – albeit briefly – is something that I’ll never forget and will treasure for the rest of my life.

After the doctor confirmed we’d lost our little one, I decided to go home and wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. After a week had passed, James and I returned for another ultrasound and it was confirmed my body just wasn’t responding to the loss. I’d planned to forego surgery to again go home and wait it out but my body had other ideas. Within minutes of leaving my doctor’s office I started to experience severe cramping and James took me straight to the hospital. I was admitted to the emergency department and examined by the OBGYN on call, who concluded I was in early labour with a closed cervix. So an emergency D & C was scheduled and performed later that afternoon. It all happened so fast, I only really started to process it after I returned home that night. It was official. Our baby was gone.

It’s been almost a week since the surgery and I’m doing quite well considering everything. I’ve gone through the various emotional stages of grief – denial, pain, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance – and of course the physical effects of having been pregnant and had invasive surgery to remove everything from my uterus. I’ve been lucky to only have slight cramping and very light spotting since the surgery and am hopeful my full recovery will be quick. I’ve spoken to close friends who’ve gone through the same thing and everybody’s experience is different so it’s just a waiting game now.

James and I have of course been heartbroken by this experience and are afraid to try again, but we will, in time, when my body is ready. Right now we’re focused on taking care of each other and making the best of every day as it comes. We believe that God has a plan for us and, while we can’t make any sense of Him giving us such a special gift then taking it away, we have to have faith and hope that we’ll be blessed again in the future.

We want to thank our fabulous friends and family for their unconditional love, support, kind words, reassurance, advice and understanding during this difficult time. It’s said that the worst of times brings out the best in people and we’ve definitely found this to be true.

11 Weeks

Wish I could say I look as pregnant as I feel this week but alas, still just looking bloated.

 

 

 

 

How far along: 11 weeks

How big is baby: Size of a fig
Total weight gain/loss: - 7kg
Stretch marks: None
Maternity clothes: None
Sleep: Broken sleep due to toilet trips and having a sore neck/back
Food cravings or aversions: Nausea hasn't been as bad but my appetite is still M.I.A
Gender: Too early to tell (but I have a feeling it's a ....)
Movement: None
Belly button: Innie
Exercise: Walking and doing pilates daily for 30-45 minutes
Diet: Eating small but healthy snacks 3-4 times per day
What I'm loving: I'm nearing the end of the first trimester
What I'm not loving: My skin resembles that of a teenager who's just hit puberty :/
What I miss: The days when my only skin 'blemishes' were freckles
Sickness and symptoms: Nausea, headaches and round ligament pain
Notes:  Can't wait to see our baby again at the ultrasound next week!

Weekly Guide to Pregnancy: Week 11

Your Baby

How big is my baby?

Your baby is approximately 44-60mm (1.75-2.4 inches) long and weighs about 8 grams (0.3 ounces). Rapid growth occurs during this time period, so it's not surprising that you're feeling tired!

The head is still large, and takes up almost half of the entire length of the body. The eyes are formed, although the eyelids remain closed while they continue to develop. The rest of the face is also formed. Your baby's body has straightened out, and bones and ribs appear.

Although your baby can now respond to touch, you won't yet be able to feel it move. Nutrients pass from your body into the placenta and umbilical cord to feed your baby and support his/her rapid growth.

10 Weeks

How far along: 10 weeks

How big is baby: Size of a date
Total weight gain/loss: - 6kg
Stretch marks: None
Maternity clothes: None
Sleep: Up a couple of times a night to use the bathroom and can't get comfortable due to tight neck and back muscles
Food cravings or aversions: Nauseous almost all day and can only manage a few mouthfuls of each meal (hence the weight loss)
Gender: Too early to tell
Movement: None
Belly button: Innie
Exercise: Walking and doing pilates daily for 30-45 minutes
Diet: Eating small but healthy snacks 3-4 times per day
What I'm loving: I'm nearing the end of the first trimester
What I'm not loving: Sore boobies, hormonal breakouts and sleepless nights
What I miss: Getting away with not wearing a bra. It's mandatory these days!
Sickness and symptoms: Nausea, slight cramping, occasional heat and numbness in right leg
Notes:  Baby has gone from being an embryo to a fetus

Weekly Guide to Pregnancy: Week 10

Your Baby

How big is my baby?

This week your baby is between 31 and 42mm (1.25 - 1.68 inches) in length and weighs approximately 5 grams (0.18 ounces).

All organs are now present and most major structures have been formed. As your baby becomes fully formed, its weight gain will rapidly increase and its structures will continue to grow and develop to maturity. The head is still large compared to the rest of the body, but the body begins to lengthen and straighten.

Although your baby can now respond to touch, you won't yet be able to feel it move. Nutrients pass from your body into the placenta and umbilical cord to feed your baby and support his/her rapid growth.

9 Weeks

I don't really look pregnant but have been feeling it this week. I've had all day nausea and haven't eaten more than a few mouthfuls of each meal, but you can just start to see a little baby bump.

How far along:  9 weeks

How big is baby:  Size of a grape
Total weight gain/loss:  - 5kg
Stretch marks:  None
Maternity clothes:  None
Sleep:  Still going to the toilet a couple times during the night but sleeping ok otherwise
Food cravings or aversions:  Nauseous almost all day and can only manage a few mouthfuls of each meal (hence the weight loss)
Gender:  Too early to tell
Movement:  None
Belly button:  Innie
Exercise:  Walking and doing pilates daily for 30-45 minutes
Diet:  Eating small but healthy snacks 3-4 times per day
What I'm loving:  My small but noticeable baby bump
What I'm not loving:  Constantly feeling hungry
What I miss:  Food!
Sickness and symptoms:  Nausea and dull cramping which I assume is my uterus expanding
Notes:  Ordered a pair of maternity jeans and tops, not that I need them yet

Weekly Guide to Pregnancy: Week 9

Your Baby

How big is my baby?

At the start of week 9 your baby is approximately 22-30mm (0.9 - 1.2 inches) from crown to rump.

Your baby's neck region is becoming more defined and developed, enabling lifting and turning of the now rounded head. The eyes are still forming, and while tiny, they are now covered by eyelids (they were exposed until this stage). The eyes will then remain closed for a large part of your pregnancy. Tiny external ears are still forming and are visible. The nasal passages are opened this week, and the tongue starts to form (although the mouth is still just a flat line on the surface). Your baby's organs are also forming.

Ultrasound 8 Weeks

I was lucky enough to see our beautiful baby again today. It was my first antenatal appointment with my Obstetrician, Dr Naguesh, and he made it very memorable. We listened to the baby's heart beating (the best sound in the world!) and I got a few 3D images to take home. Sadly James was at work and couldn't make it to the appointment but he'll definitely be by my side for the next one, scheduled for 12 weeks. Today baby was measuring 1.8cm at 8 weeks 3 days.

8 Weeks

I wanted to document my growing belly as the weeks and months go by so here's the first of many photo updates... my blink-and-you'll-miss-it 8 week baby bump.

 

 

How far along: 8 weeks
How big is baby: Size of a raspberry
Total weight gain/loss: - 4kg
Stretch marks: None
Maternity clothes: None
Sleep: Getting up a couple times each night to use the bathroom but otherwise sleeping well
Food cravings or aversions: Nauseous almost all day and can only manage a few mouthfuls of each meal (hence the weight loss)
Gender: Too early to tell
Movement: None
Belly button: Innie
Exercise: Walking and doing pilates daily for 30-45 minutes
Diet: Eating small but healthy snacks 3-4 times per day
What I'm loving: My boobies are definitely bigger
What I'm not loving: My bigger boobies are extremely sensitive and sore

What I miss: My appetite and the ability to eat whatever I wanted without the risk of it coming up after the first mouthful

Sickness and symptoms: Nausea and feeling tired

Notes: Can’t wait to see our little one again at this week’s ultrasound

  

Weekly Guide to Pregnancy: Week 8

Your Baby

How big is my baby?
Your baby is approximately 14-20mm (0.56 - 0.8 inches) in length and continues to grow quickly.

What changes are happening with my baby this week?
The head is large compared with the rest of the body and your baby's face is beginning to take shape (forehead, nose, cheeks, upper and lower jaw and lip and chin are forming). Eye muscles and eyelids have emerged, and by the end of the week the nasal passages have formed and the nose tip is visible. The internal and external parts of the ear are also forming. Ear openings are present, and the middle ear (hearing and balance) is there, but hearing is not yet possible for your baby. The arms continue to grow longer, and bend at the newly formed elbow. Fingers and toes formed as notches on the hands and feet. The valves in the heart that started forming last week can now be distinguished as the aorta and pulmonary valves. Lungs are developing and the bronchi are branching out. The skeleton has also started to form.

Our First Ultrasound

We were so excited for our first ultrasound today and as expected, burst into tears at the sight of our little jelly bean, measuring a mere 0.47cm at 6 weeks 1 day. We saw its tiny heart beating at 120bpm and it all became very real. There's a baby in my belly! The ultrasound snapshot has taken pride of place on the fridge and is a constant reminder of the miracle of life and God's gift to us.

 

 

It's Official!

I've been to the doctor, peed in the jar, given my blood and now it's official... I'm pregnant! We've shared the news with family and friends, who are ecstatic and looking forward to our baby's arrival at the end of March 2013. We're counting down the days and can't wait to be parents.

Pregnant!

I'll never forget it. I woke up feeling 'funny'. Could've sworn my boobs were smaller yesterday and I didn't feel the need to be in the bathroom every hour on the hour. I had a perfectly good pack of pregnancy tests in the cupboard... despite only being off the pill for a little over a month... I decided to take it. Pregnant. No, that can't be right. So I took another one. Again, pregnant. I screamed out to James and the two of us were shocked but incredibly happy. And amazed that we'd accomplished something we feared would never happen. Not to us. Not with my history of cervical cancer, chemotherapy, countless surgeries and complications. But here we were, hugging, crying and clutching a positive pregnancy test. It was the happiest day of our lives.