There are no words to describe the pain and sadness we are
feeling after discovering our beautiful baby had no heartbeat at the 12 week
ultrasound. So many emotions rushed through me when I was looking at the
monitor, seeing our precious little one lying there motionless, silent and
without life. My heart broke into a million pieces and still aches at the
thought of something so painful and unexpected. I had no idea anything was
wrong, as my body was still showing pregnancy symptoms and bub looked perfectly
healthy and active at the last ultrasound. But, as I’ve been told many times
lately, such is life and these things happen. I just didn’t ever want them to
happen to us. And I really felt this baby was a gift from God to, in a way,
reward me for all the hardships I’ve had to endure in my life already. I
thought, wow what a miracle that I fell pregnant straight away with hardly
having to try. How lucky was I? I know many women struggle to fall and there
are some who never do, so I do feel blessed to have had this happen, but
understandably upset that it all feels as if it was for nothing. Those 3 months
of morning, noon and night sickness, all day nausea, cramping, sleepless
nights, tender breasts, headaches and mood swings – all that for nothing? Well
no, not entirely. Although I’ve lost my beautiful baby, I believe that I’ve
gained a guardian angel and will one day meet this special little person who
for a brief time brought me so much joy and filled my heart so fully with love that
I felt it would overflow. I’m devastated that I’ll never get to hold my little
one in my arms, but knowing I’m someone’s mummy and getting to experience being
pregnant – albeit briefly – is something that I’ll never forget and will
treasure for the rest of my life.
After the doctor confirmed we’d lost our little one, I
decided to go home and wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. After a
week had passed, James and I returned for another ultrasound and it was
confirmed my body just wasn’t responding to the loss. I’d planned to forego
surgery to again go home and wait it out but my body had other ideas. Within
minutes of leaving my doctor’s office I started to experience severe cramping
and James took me straight to the hospital. I was admitted to the emergency
department and examined by the OBGYN on call, who concluded I was in early
labour with a closed cervix. So an emergency D & C was scheduled and
performed later that afternoon. It all happened so fast, I only really started
to process it after I returned home that night. It was official. Our baby was
gone.
It’s been almost a week since the surgery and I’m doing
quite well considering everything. I’ve gone through the
various emotional stages of grief – denial, pain, guilt, anger, depression,
acceptance – and of course the physical effects of having been pregnant and had
invasive surgery to remove everything from my uterus. I’ve been lucky to only
have slight cramping and very light spotting since the surgery and am hopeful
my full recovery will be quick. I’ve spoken to close friends who’ve gone
through the same thing and everybody’s experience is different so it’s just a
waiting game now.
James and I have of course been heartbroken by this
experience and are afraid to try again, but we will, in time, when my body is
ready. Right now we’re focused on taking care of each other and making the
best of every day as it comes. We believe that God has a plan for us and, while
we can’t make any sense of Him giving us such a special gift then taking it
away, we have to have faith and hope that we’ll be blessed again in the future.
We want to thank our fabulous friends and family for their
unconditional love, support, kind words, reassurance, advice and understanding during
this difficult time. It’s said that the worst of times brings out the best in
people and we’ve definitely found this to be true.
.JPG)
